In part, because I want to be proud of something. Admittedly, I've been using running as therapy and since I am not a very good (read: fast, fit, questionable endurance) this is probably not my best idea. If you want to use something as therapy, as a diversion, it's probably wise to pick something you are good at.
Good idea or bad, it's happening, and it started because I am, for a nice change, getting better at this. I am not fast and I likely will not be fast in time for this marathon. I will take walk breaks, but hopefully less than I anticipated when I started training. I'll be next to a good friend who can push me and will let me push her.
Bottom line is, my confidence is at an all time low. Not my running confidence, but rather my entire being. I realize it is a phase and that I feel this way because of a very unfortunate series of occurrences, but I really want to focus on something.
To finish something.
I want - for once - to be good at something.
I want to sense of accomplishment that will come along with finishing this.
I make my own quiet spots in the middle of rush-hour. The view sure ain't something to be sad about.
The silver lining to running as therapy (aside from the lack of actual therapy bills - and also the lack of actual professional opinion, I realize) is that I'm turning negatives into positives, at least on the pavement. I can be pissed at me, at him, at work, at family, at the whole damn world and it helps me pick up the pace - is motivating me in a way that I didn't think it would. I thought going through all of this would motivate me to the couch cushion to eat ice cream and clean out my DVR. Instead it has motivated me to leave work every day and get moving. Into pants that are two sizes smaller than when this all started. Into a pace that's about a minute quicker than I thought I was capable of. Into a few extra miles before a walk break.
I wish I wasn't looking for silver linings to begin with, but if good can come out of bad then it's at least a little harder to be sad.
The best reason to run a marathon? Probably not. But I very badly want the accomplishment and I hope it's the boost I need.